Light My Fire

Photo Courtesy of Carlos Porto

Sex is all about heat and passion.  When we're talking about great sex or chemistry between two sexual partners we often times talk about the "heat" between them.  How many times have you heard someone talk about "blazing passion" or call a past lover their "old flame"?

That's not what this is about.  We're talking about a different kind of heat in the bedroom today.  We're tlaking about flesh-searing actual fire.  When I say "light my fire", I mean that literally.  You see, some people really get off on being set on fire.  We're not talking about a human torch or actually burning a person's flesh.  That's too disturbing and highly illegal.  Fire play is all about safety and sensuality.

You can use items found at any hardware store to create your fire play extravaganza.  The first thing to create is a torch.  You can use anything from candles to Q-tips, or you can use hardware store items to create a torch.  Don't use tiki torches or anything else that requires oil or fuel to stay lit.  The oil or fuel could potentially spill on your submissive, creating a real human torch, leaving you vulnerable to murder charges.  Don't be that person!  I prefer candles.  They're nice, simple, easy to relight, and provide wax for me to drip onto my sub.  Aside from lighting someone up, you'll also need a few think towels to smother the fire and a good supply of water nearby, just in case. 

While you don't want oil spilled on your sub, you do need something to ignite.  Your basic rubbing alcohol will do the trick, but don't use it straight.  For fire play, the alcohol should be a 70/30 mix; 70% alcohol, 30% water.  The water helps keep your sub from actually being burned.  Don't get me wrong; they'll feel the heat from the fire, but you don't want to seriously injure someone.  As the saying goes, "If you play with fire, you will get burned".  If you want to spend a little more money on your fuel, you can use vodka, Jack Daniels, or any other alcoholic beverage.  Don't get all crazy and just pour it on.  The point of fire play is to control your fire like you control your submissive.  You don't actually even have to apply the fuel to your submissive.  That's where the torches come in handy. 

There's a lot of things to do with fire, but before you begin, make sure your sub have their hair pulled back and covered.  It may help to wet it down as well.  You don't want to turn your sub into Michael Jackson.  It also helps to have an assistant to help put out any fires.  

Most of the time, some warm-up activities are in order.  You can light Q-tips and run them up and down your sub's skin, touch them with lit candles, or draw small trails in alcohol and light these.  Keep it small and simple and work your way up. 

Now you have two directions to go with your fire: hit or ignite.  You can light the torches and beat your sub with them, or you can draw a design on their back and ignite it.  Let's go with beating first.  There are some fun things that can be done with weapons.  You can ignite just about anything.  Most things will be destroyed by the fire, but some can take the heat.  Kevlar paddles or floggers are great for fire play.  You can put on a great show by dimming the lights, dipping them in your alcohol solution, and beating your sub. 

Igniting your sub can be a lot of fun and wow any audience you might have.  Stand your sub up for this, possibly even tying up their hands.  Drawinng intricate patterns on your sub's back then watching the flames race across their skin can be an insanely erotic experience.  The flames should only burn a mere two or three seconds at the most.  Smother the flames with the towel so your sub doesn't get burnt.  Fire play doesn't have to end there.  You can even push your thumb into a wax ball to create a little bowl.  Have your sub lay down and place the wax bowl on their back.  Fill it with the alcohol solution and ignite.  As the alcohol burns, the wax will melt down over them.  Keep your bowl small so that the alcohol will burn up quickly so as not to create a real fire.

Have fun and explore the many ways you can bring erotic fire play into your sex life.  Above all, remember to always keep your BDSM safe, sane, and consensual.  If your sub doesn't consent to the act, then the act becomes torture.  Good luck and be safe!

Who Wants a Little Spanking?

A Guide to BSDM for Beginners

Sadism and Masochism, commonly referred to as S&M are actually psychiatric terms that, while used in sex lingo, don't actually fit.  You see, those freaky doctors everyone has heard about at German concentration camps...they are sadists.  Sadits are people who enjoy the pain of others.  Masochists are, quite basically, people who enjoy pain.

There are notes of S&M in what most people consider everyday sex.  Your man pulled your hair while hittin it doggy-style, smacking you ass every now and then.  You've just dabbled in a little S&M. 

There's more to sexual sadism and masochism than a little hair-pulling ass-slapping doggy-style.  S&M is often lumped into one big category of kink called BSDM that includes bondage, sadism, masochism, and dominance/submission.  Not all of these fit into one category, but they overlap often enough that it's a lot easier.  Real sadists enjoy any form of pain and don't need the consent of the victim just like real masochists enjoy any kind of pain, including injuries and such.  S&M requires the consent of the victim and the ability of the sadists to accept and adhere to boundaries.

In S&M relationships, the power may appear to be held by the sadist who is usually the dominant (dom).  This isn't really the case.  The enjoyment of the sexual experience for both partners depends on the dom getting the reaction they want from the submissive (sub) within the limits generally set by the sub.  Whoever makes the rules holds the real power.  The sub could quite easily not give the dom the reaction they crave.  What fun is the game when the mouse won't play?  Now that we've made it through your grammer lesson, let's move on to the fun stuff.

When you're just delving into the mysterious world of S&M, it's easiest to do so with a person whom you trust not to cross your boundaries.  Even if you're an experienced player in the S&M game, limits should always be discussed and a safe word set.  Once the sub utters the safe word, the game stops.  Your safe word should be something that wouldn't normally be spoken during sexplay such as walrus...unless your dom likes to call you a fat walrus.  In that case, perhaps "sexy bunny" would work better.

This is where the BSDM overlap comes in.  If you're going to be tied up and whipped you're probably going to want to start with something that doesn't leave a mark like silk rope or fuzzy handcuffs.  Remember to struggle a bit when you dom is restraining you so they ahve a reason to punish you for being bad!  You can work your way up to harnesses or bondage tape.  There are tons of ways to be restrained.  I love to wear a collar with leash and be spanked in front of an audience.  A collar is supposed to be a form of humiliation or dominance used by the sadist/dom.  Some women like being collared.  Some don't.  If you don't like to wear a collar make this clear when setting your limits.  Make sure you don't tighten the collar enough to cut off your air-supply.  Sexual asphyxiation can be a very dangerous practice.  Don't use a collar to do it.  The skin around the collar may swell making it next to impossible to get off and you will suffocate. 

On that note, a word of caution:  NEVER CHOKE YOURSELF IN PRIVATE!  This can and WILL lead to unintentional death.  If that's the ONLY way you can get off it's time for massive therapy.

Just like there are tons of ways to be restrained, there are tons of things to be whipped with.  You can use everything from a wooden paddle to a cat-o-nine.  The selection of tools is another thing to discuss when setting limits.  If you don't want marks left behind, make this clear.  If you like being spanked with wooden paddles, consider drilling holes in it.  It'll hurt more.  There are some wonderful paddles out there made of various materials, some solid, with holes, or even with rivets (some of my favorites).  You'll have to do a lot of experimenting to figure out your S&M style.  Most experienced S&Mers have their favorite tools.

Aside from being restrained and beaten there are lots of fun activities that come with S&M.  Name-calling and humiliation is a favorite.  A dom wants to treat their sub like a little cum dumpster.  They want to force you to your knees while they shove their dick down your throat or make you lick their toes.  While working the S&M stage at a favorite Ohio goth club, I made men crawl on their knees to suck and lick the harriest toes I could find.  Forcing your will on the other person is part of the fun and can be sexually liberating.

Playing the submissive or masochistic one night doesn't mean you can't be the dom the next.  Taking both roles will allow you to feel empowered and sexually liberated.  It also ensures your partner won't continually cross your boundaries because they know they will have to endure your wrath the next night.  Completely explore both roles to discover and develop your sexuality, but above all always enjoy safe, sane, and consensual sex.  Regardless of the game you're playing, abide by the limits and don't get so wrapped up in your role you can't pull back when you need to.

My last and most important tip for both beginngers and the more experienced:  keep in mind that you will still be held criminally liable should you force non-consensual sex on another person, just as you will be if your actions result in your partner's death.  Always use protection and always abide by the rules of the game!  Rape is NEVER a game.