Who Wants a Little Spanking?

A Guide to BSDM for Beginners

Sadism and Masochism, commonly referred to as S&M are actually psychiatric terms that, while used in sex lingo, don't actually fit.  You see, those freaky doctors everyone has heard about at German concentration camps...they are sadists.  Sadits are people who enjoy the pain of others.  Masochists are, quite basically, people who enjoy pain.

There are notes of S&M in what most people consider everyday sex.  Your man pulled your hair while hittin it doggy-style, smacking you ass every now and then.  You've just dabbled in a little S&M. 

There's more to sexual sadism and masochism than a little hair-pulling ass-slapping doggy-style.  S&M is often lumped into one big category of kink called BSDM that includes bondage, sadism, masochism, and dominance/submission.  Not all of these fit into one category, but they overlap often enough that it's a lot easier.  Real sadists enjoy any form of pain and don't need the consent of the victim just like real masochists enjoy any kind of pain, including injuries and such.  S&M requires the consent of the victim and the ability of the sadists to accept and adhere to boundaries.

In S&M relationships, the power may appear to be held by the sadist who is usually the dominant (dom).  This isn't really the case.  The enjoyment of the sexual experience for both partners depends on the dom getting the reaction they want from the submissive (sub) within the limits generally set by the sub.  Whoever makes the rules holds the real power.  The sub could quite easily not give the dom the reaction they crave.  What fun is the game when the mouse won't play?  Now that we've made it through your grammer lesson, let's move on to the fun stuff.

When you're just delving into the mysterious world of S&M, it's easiest to do so with a person whom you trust not to cross your boundaries.  Even if you're an experienced player in the S&M game, limits should always be discussed and a safe word set.  Once the sub utters the safe word, the game stops.  Your safe word should be something that wouldn't normally be spoken during sexplay such as walrus...unless your dom likes to call you a fat walrus.  In that case, perhaps "sexy bunny" would work better.

This is where the BSDM overlap comes in.  If you're going to be tied up and whipped you're probably going to want to start with something that doesn't leave a mark like silk rope or fuzzy handcuffs.  Remember to struggle a bit when you dom is restraining you so they ahve a reason to punish you for being bad!  You can work your way up to harnesses or bondage tape.  There are tons of ways to be restrained.  I love to wear a collar with leash and be spanked in front of an audience.  A collar is supposed to be a form of humiliation or dominance used by the sadist/dom.  Some women like being collared.  Some don't.  If you don't like to wear a collar make this clear when setting your limits.  Make sure you don't tighten the collar enough to cut off your air-supply.  Sexual asphyxiation can be a very dangerous practice.  Don't use a collar to do it.  The skin around the collar may swell making it next to impossible to get off and you will suffocate. 

On that note, a word of caution:  NEVER CHOKE YOURSELF IN PRIVATE!  This can and WILL lead to unintentional death.  If that's the ONLY way you can get off it's time for massive therapy.

Just like there are tons of ways to be restrained, there are tons of things to be whipped with.  You can use everything from a wooden paddle to a cat-o-nine.  The selection of tools is another thing to discuss when setting limits.  If you don't want marks left behind, make this clear.  If you like being spanked with wooden paddles, consider drilling holes in it.  It'll hurt more.  There are some wonderful paddles out there made of various materials, some solid, with holes, or even with rivets (some of my favorites).  You'll have to do a lot of experimenting to figure out your S&M style.  Most experienced S&Mers have their favorite tools.

Aside from being restrained and beaten there are lots of fun activities that come with S&M.  Name-calling and humiliation is a favorite.  A dom wants to treat their sub like a little cum dumpster.  They want to force you to your knees while they shove their dick down your throat or make you lick their toes.  While working the S&M stage at a favorite Ohio goth club, I made men crawl on their knees to suck and lick the harriest toes I could find.  Forcing your will on the other person is part of the fun and can be sexually liberating.

Playing the submissive or masochistic one night doesn't mean you can't be the dom the next.  Taking both roles will allow you to feel empowered and sexually liberated.  It also ensures your partner won't continually cross your boundaries because they know they will have to endure your wrath the next night.  Completely explore both roles to discover and develop your sexuality, but above all always enjoy safe, sane, and consensual sex.  Regardless of the game you're playing, abide by the limits and don't get so wrapped up in your role you can't pull back when you need to.

My last and most important tip for both beginngers and the more experienced:  keep in mind that you will still be held criminally liable should you force non-consensual sex on another person, just as you will be if your actions result in your partner's death.  Always use protection and always abide by the rules of the game!  Rape is NEVER a game.